Sleeping = waiting for death

I have become very lazy over the past couple of months. I don’t feel like doing anything but nothing and today I have realized that my “non-action” that has been going on and on has to stop. This is pretty much the same as if I would want to die. Just to give you an idea how my day looked like: I was sleeping as long as I could – this means hours and hours of sleeping which is basically the same as I waited for my death in my bed – I didn’t want to get up in the morning and start a day with some motivation, like doing something. Practical or not practical – it doesn’t matter because as long as I move and as long as I am present here in the moment. I was rather sleeping and not wanting to deal with what is here. The reason why is probably that I did not want to accept and face the reality as it is (to see who I really am and write myself out to become equal and one someday). I know that I have to deal with a lot of shit that I have been compounding over the years and this scares the hell out of me, because I believe within myself that I couldn’t handle all of it. Much self forgiveness will be required, starting from now on. So, the first thing that I obligated myself to do (or I will force and push myself to do – because this is currently the only way possible to start something moving), I will set up my alarm clock every morning at a reasonable time (this would be 7 or 8 am). I have tried this already but I failed because when it rang I just set it up to a sleeping mode and it rang every 5 minutes until I had enough and set a new time for the alarm which was postponed by one or two hours at least. The first decision is that I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock starts to ring; I will not postpone the alarm anymore, not even for a minute. Moving on to my daily routine: next when I finally got up, I went and wash my teeth, getting dressed and then I went to work. After coming home, I went out with my friends for a drink or I went onto my computer and just checked my mail, facebook, watch some videos on youtube, chatting online with people etc. I usually stayed up pretty late so when I had enough I went under the shower and back to bed. The second thing that I decided to do is to start writing self-forgiveness every day, step by step because I have difficult times doing that, so I will have to also push myself and create some routine in that perspective. Just to get started. So, these are two big points that I will have to start incorporating in my life, starting from now on. By sleeping less, I will have more than enough time to do things that I want or I have to finish (for example my diploma, or writing self-forgiveness, going out with my dog for a nice long walk,…) So, for the last time, here is my conclusion:

• I  will no longer sleep as many hours “as I like”, instead I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock is rings, not trying to postpone my sleeping for another minute or two but just get up without any resistance
• I will write self-forgiveness on daily basis, taking step at a time to gain consistency; I will not fear of writing, I will take it as something which will improve me as who I am

That is all for now, will keep you updated on how am I doing and dealing with new decisions that I have made.

Self-correction is the key

It is not hard to write what you have accepted and allowed, what you have realized or what you will correct within yourself in physical. I realized that you can write self forgiveness in every moment, every day for everything that happens but if you are not willing to change, if you are not willing to correct and also determined to achieve actual change and be persistent about what you are doing; self-forgiveness is worth nothing. It is powerful tool for everybody who uses it, with writing you can get to the core of the point you are working on and you can realize a lot but if you don't live the words, you are lost. At Desteni there are three basic tools which help you through, to break down everything that you have accepted and allowed in your life, from desires, emotions and feelings to personalities, relationship fuckups and even physical problems. Those tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective action. If you only apply two out of three, you didn't do anything. It is like if you want to bake bread and you have all the ingredients that you need, you mix them together but then you don't put the dough into the oven. You can't eat it raw even though you did everything except bake it – the most important part. With self-forgiveness it is the same. You can write but if you don't correct yourself in action, you can't change. And this is the hard part because you have to have a lot of strength, self-control, self-direction, self-will to do this. And the key to success is also to be self-honest. I saw many times, when applying self-correction in action that I still have reactions. Important here is not to give up and to not blame yourself. We are in this together, as a group we are strong and even though you fall, don't lay on the ground, stand up again and the group of Destonians will always give you support that you need so you can pick yourself up from the ground. We are all here to support each other, important thing is to accept this support and move on, step by step, breath by breath. Every moment of your breath, until it is done and a new life is born.

Update on writing

So I am working on the second lesson of the ITD course and the assignment is helping me a lot, because we have to write about our experiences through the day in terms of emotions, thoughts and feelings. It is very cool assignment since I have troubles to write every day. I have to force myself to sit down every evening and go through the day and through my thoughts. By doing that, I can see that I am becoming more consistent in writing. I still have troubles to be aware of what I am doing throughout the day, meaning I catch myself drowning in my thoughts and when I realize that I am in my mind I can’t really remember what I was thinking about. I simply forget to be here, totally aware of every moment. I find this really hard (not to be in my mind) and I realized right now that every time I try to write down about my day and when I don’t remember some parts of a situation I get really frustrated about it and I blame myself because I can’t remember a certain thought or emotion. I also have to utilize the four count breath but again I simply forget to breathe because I can quickly flow back into my thoughts. Well…I will need a lot of practice and self control. Let’s do this! 

Fear of writing

I am still struggling with writing self forgiveness every day. I always find an excuse for doing something else instead of writing even though I know that I have a lot to write about. So yesterday I write self forgiveness on that point and I found out that I refuse to write because I don’t want to let go of the systems and I am just “happy with the way I am” kind of thing. Also the fear of losing my personalities and the fear of losing “myself” as a system came up. Oh, and probably the fear of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed. I will have to push through these points a lot and force myself to write every day until this becomes a routine for me and not something to avoid. 

I also had dreams today about that point. I have my room in the attic and the pillars are pretty bad so in my dreams they were in bad condition because of termites (as the professional told me). But he was wrong. As I was sleeping a beautiful mices started to fall down on to my bed from the roof. They didn’t have regular tales; they more looked like hamsters. And their hair was so soft and puffy. So I started to chase those animals because I wanted to give them food and a nice warm place to stay in. I collected them in the basket and they keep running away. So this repeated again and again – I caught them and some of them went away and again I caught them and so on and on…

And in the morning I was wondering what is the meaning of my dreams and with a little help from Vitan (he always sees things in symbols) we figure out that those animals are systems which I am still hanging on and not wanting to let them go completely.