sreda, 30. november 2011

Sleeping = waiting for death

I have become very lazy over the past couple of months. I don’t feel like doing anything but nothing and today I have realized that my “non-action” that has been going on and on has to stop. This is pretty much the same as if I would want to die. Just to give you an idea how my day looked like: I was sleeping as long as I could – this means hours and hours of sleeping which is basically the same as I waited for my death in my bed – I didn’t want to get up in the morning and start a day with some motivation, like doing something. Practical or not practical – it doesn’t matter because as long as I move and as long as I am present here in the moment. I was rather sleeping and not wanting to deal with what is here. The reason why is probably that I did not want to accept and face the reality as it is (to see who I really am and write myself out to become equal and one someday). I know that I have to deal with a lot of shit that I have been compounding over the years and this scares the hell out of me, because I believe within myself that I couldn’t handle all of it. Much self forgiveness will be required, starting from now on. So, the first thing that I obligated myself to do (or I will force and push myself to do – because this is currently the only way possible to start something moving), I will set up my alarm clock every morning at a reasonable time (this would be 7 or 8 am). I have tried this already but I failed because when it rang I just set it up to a sleeping mode and it rang every 5 minutes until I had enough and set a new time for the alarm which was postponed by one or two hours at least. The first decision is that I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock starts to ring; I will not postpone the alarm anymore, not even for a minute. Moving on to my daily routine: next when I finally got up, I went and wash my teeth, getting dressed and then I went to work. After coming home, I went out with my friends for a drink or I went onto my computer and just checked my mail, facebook, watch some videos on youtube, chatting online with people etc. I usually stayed up pretty late so when I had enough I went under the shower and back to bed. The second thing that I decided to do is to start writing self-forgiveness every day, step by step because I have difficult times doing that, so I will have to also push myself and create some routine in that perspective. Just to get started. So, these are two big points that I will have to start incorporating in my life, starting from now on. By sleeping less, I will have more than enough time to do things that I want or I have to finish (for example my diploma, or writing self-forgiveness, going out with my dog for a nice long walk,…) So, for the last time, here is my conclusion:
  • I  will no longer sleep as many hours “as I like”, instead I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock is rings, not trying to postpone my sleeping for another minute or two but just get up without any resistance
  • I will write self-forgiveness on daily basis, taking step at a time to gain consistency; I will not fear of writing, I will take it as something which will improve me as who I am
That is all for now, will keep you updated on how am I doing and dealing with new decisions that I have made.

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