sreda, 18. maj 2011

Being high is a waste of time

I am dealing with the point of drugs right now since I have noticed that I react every time when someone mentions drugs – especially weed.

I become very stiff and I crawl into my shell completely. I don’t want to talk about anything when this happens. I feel really anxious and uncomfortable. I have tried smoking week a couple of times and I didn’t like the effect of it, because I couldn’t control my body like I wanted and also I went completely in my mind, just thinking about “good” things, wondering about how it would be if this and that happens. I have noticed that I immediately switch into judgmental state of mind when I hear that someone is smoking weed or is taking some other substances that are illegal.

I was like that since I can remember, because everybody around me talked about drugs like they are really bad and were just scaring me what can all happen if I take them and so on. So, basically they influenced on my way of thinking about drugs and believing things that are not necessarily true. I am scared of drugs – just hearing about them is making me scared. And this fear comes from the point that I am afraid of not being in control – afraid to lose myself, lose my direction.

I want to feel my body, control my body like I want and I want to be here in physical reality, not in my mind, because being high is taking me away all this things. When being high, I can’t move my body the way I want because I am like jelly, I can’t concentrate and I just speak bullshit – things that don’t make sense at all. So, when drugs are present in any way what so ever (just in conversation or when someone is taking them) I react, because I am afraid to lose myself, not having complete control.

I also realized that I judge people who smoke weed and this judgment comes also from my childhood because I was growing up with an alcoholic in our house and most of that time I experienced fear because I knew that this person who was drinking wasn’t himself when being drunk. He was completely different person (sometimes really happy and opened for a conversation, and sometimes enraged like if you would release a hungry lion out of the cage). I saw different personalities all the time when he was drunk and I couldn’t stand that. And when I draw a line here and compare those two situations together (being drunk and high), they are almost the same - I can see the change in person, because the behavior is not the same. Because of that, I am almost certain that this fear and judgment has to do with the pas experiences from my childhood.

I am going to look more into detail on this point by writing self forgiveness and I will deal with every single memory and experience, emotion and feeling to get to the bottom of this, step by step, really focusing on every single detail.

Better for me to get started! :)

ponedeljek, 09. maj 2011

Starving myself to "look good"?!

I am still struggling to accept myself as who I am – well…to accept my body as it is. I catch myself several times during the day that I think about how I would like my body to look like. I get that kind of thoughts mostly when I watch television or when I browse through magazines where all these pictures are seen (especially now when summer is around the corner and a lot of pictures represent hot chicks in bikinis). So I often get thoughts like “From now on, I will starve myself so I will be skinny” or “I will go run tomorrow and I will eat healthy from tomorrow on” or “I will only eat one can of tuna and fruit per day” because of my desire to look like those girls in pictures and on TV – even though I do not do that then. But I realized that this is really insane (even though I still get those thoughts now and then…). Why insane? Well…there are a lot of reasons for that – obvious ones…but I would like to point out one or two that are really sad actually.

Here we have all these celebrities who are really skinny (to that point when this is not good for their bodies anymore), starving themselves on purpose just to look “good” and on the other side, we have half (or even more) of the population who don’t have enough money to buy food, who struggle to survive through the day because they don’t have nothing to live from…Isn’t this ironic? Here, people intentionally starve themselves to be skinny and there people die from starvation?  

And another polarity is when people overeat themselves, having problems with increased cholesterol level, can’t walk 10 meters without being out of breath and then we have again starving people all over the world.

We have to look around people. What are we doing…it is insanity. We do not appreciate the food that is given to us at all! We just take and take and take, not taking into consideration anyone else but ourselves. It is time to change and Desteni is the right place to start. Investigate Desteni I Process and Equal Money! Let’s start changing the World to a better place!

torek, 03. maj 2011

Allergy and irritation

I have a really bad cold mixed with wisdom tooth pain (from growing) and allergy to pollen. So - everything combined – not cool.

I became allergic to pollen a few years ago in high school. At first, I didn’t know that this is allergy; I just thought that I have a cold, because my nose was all blocked up and I sneezed a lot. But the next year at that time of the year it happened again, because I have noticed that it got worse when I am out, close to grass. So, I started to take medicine to ease the symptoms. But one year it got worse – to the point when I couldn’t breathe normally. My chest was wheezing, my nostrils were blocked up completely, my eyes were red from irritation and my throat was hurting like I was having angina. This year is again “the bad year” – this depends on the concentration of the pollen in the air. 
Every year when this allergy starts, my right down wisdom tooth starts to grow at the same time, so I have to deal with some pain and unpleasantness because of this. This year (this is now the third year) it was super fun, because I caught a cold also. So my right side of my face was little swallowed and I also had headaches, so I haven’t got a good sleep for a week now. It is getting better now, but this was a reminder that I have to work on something. Maybe this allergy has a connection with “irritation” towards my family, because I am very annoyed by them when someone asks me something. I change my behavior in front of them, I become nervous and rude for no reason. And I just can’t control my reaction – but I know I didn’t try hard enough. This wisdom tooth…I can’t connect it to anything at the moment.
Because of the cold, my senses for smell and taste got weak and I have noticed that I don’t have appetite, since I don’t taste or smell anything when eating food. This is pretty cool because now I eat when I am hungry and I don’t care what is on the menu because it isn’t matter – I don’t taste it anyway. I just realized that more than half of the food I eat is because it tastes or smells good (and I am talking about food that my body doesn’t need, for example chocolate, mayonnaise, ketchup, chips, juice, cookies, snacks…etc) and I usually overeat. Sometimes when something “good” is for lunch, I would eat until my stomach hurts even though I could throw up the next second. And this is really unacceptable because when writing this I see that I don’t appreciate the food or my body, I act egoistic because all I do is to please myself (my mind) when doing this, to get this satisfaction within myself.

I do not accept and allow doing this anymore.