Sleeping = waiting for death

I have become very lazy over the past couple of months. I don’t feel like doing anything but nothing and today I have realized that my “non-action” that has been going on and on has to stop. This is pretty much the same as if I would want to die. Just to give you an idea how my day looked like: I was sleeping as long as I could – this means hours and hours of sleeping which is basically the same as I waited for my death in my bed – I didn’t want to get up in the morning and start a day with some motivation, like doing something. Practical or not practical – it doesn’t matter because as long as I move and as long as I am present here in the moment. I was rather sleeping and not wanting to deal with what is here. The reason why is probably that I did not want to accept and face the reality as it is (to see who I really am and write myself out to become equal and one someday). I know that I have to deal with a lot of shit that I have been compounding over the years and this scares the hell out of me, because I believe within myself that I couldn’t handle all of it. Much self forgiveness will be required, starting from now on. So, the first thing that I obligated myself to do (or I will force and push myself to do – because this is currently the only way possible to start something moving), I will set up my alarm clock every morning at a reasonable time (this would be 7 or 8 am). I have tried this already but I failed because when it rang I just set it up to a sleeping mode and it rang every 5 minutes until I had enough and set a new time for the alarm which was postponed by one or two hours at least. The first decision is that I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock starts to ring; I will not postpone the alarm anymore, not even for a minute. Moving on to my daily routine: next when I finally got up, I went and wash my teeth, getting dressed and then I went to work. After coming home, I went out with my friends for a drink or I went onto my computer and just checked my mail, facebook, watch some videos on youtube, chatting online with people etc. I usually stayed up pretty late so when I had enough I went under the shower and back to bed. The second thing that I decided to do is to start writing self-forgiveness every day, step by step because I have difficult times doing that, so I will have to also push myself and create some routine in that perspective. Just to get started. So, these are two big points that I will have to start incorporating in my life, starting from now on. By sleeping less, I will have more than enough time to do things that I want or I have to finish (for example my diploma, or writing self-forgiveness, going out with my dog for a nice long walk,…) So, for the last time, here is my conclusion:

• I  will no longer sleep as many hours “as I like”, instead I will get up in the morning when my alarm clock is rings, not trying to postpone my sleeping for another minute or two but just get up without any resistance
• I will write self-forgiveness on daily basis, taking step at a time to gain consistency; I will not fear of writing, I will take it as something which will improve me as who I am

That is all for now, will keep you updated on how am I doing and dealing with new decisions that I have made.

Procrastination and laziness

Thought:
“Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”

Trigger point:
When my grandmother asked me if I can help her with something.

Type of thought:
laziness, procrastination, excuse

Self forgiveness on the thought, trigger point and type of thought:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect when someone asks me something to do to a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think the thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes” exists within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when my grandmother asks me something to help her with triggers a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that when my grandmother asks me something to help her with this exists as a trigger point within me, which triggers a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a feeling of laziness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when something is asked of me to be done or something is required of me to be done within the moment – say: “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?” – Instead of doing what is required or asked of me in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not willing to move and stand up in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate instead of standing up and get things done in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped within the „now‟ of consciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in a moment, thereby accumulating „unfulfilled” moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behaviour of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – putting things off for the future – creating and manifesting the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I've become addicted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as lazy person.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally move myself in every moment – but instead, put things off to a later moment, until I am almost too late and see that if I don't quickly do what I'm supposed to do, I'll get into trouble.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the threat and anticipation of trouble to move me instead of me moving myself as me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to discipline myself within moving and directing myself in every here moment – but instead, allow myself to „slack” and „slip” into laziness.
I forgive myself for not applying self-will in every moment, where I will myself to live as me in self-movement, self-direction, self-responsibility and self-honesty in every here moment.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to not apply self-will when there is a task at hand, to will myself in walking through the resistance and getting it done – but instead, allow myself to use excuses and justifications to make me believe that it is „okay” to procrastinate and be lazy.

Self corrective statements:
I do not accept and allow myself to live in the past and therefore I do not accept and allow myself to procrastinate – instead, I will to things in the moment and I will not put off anything what is asked or required of me.
When someone asks me something or something is required of me to be done, I do not put if off and wait for the last moment to take care of it – instead I stand up immediately and to what needs to be done in the moment.
I do not accept and allow myself to procrastinate and search for excuses and justifications why I do not need to do things in the moment – instead of that, I will move myself, direct myself and will myself to do things in the moment and I will not wait any longer just because “I don’t feel like doing it”.
Whenever something is required or asked from me to be done, I do not accept and allow to participate in my mind thinking that it can wait – I stop the thoughts before they occur and I say “Yes, I will to that right now in this moment” – I will walk through resistance and I will not accept and allow laziness to obsess me.

Emotion:
Reluctant

Self forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be reluctant.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotion of reluctance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel reluctant when I have to stop doing something that I like to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reluctance to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in emotional experience of annoyance and crankiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that annoyance and crankiness exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?” with emotion of reluctance – crankiness and annoyance.

Self corrective statements:
I do not accept and allow myself to participate in emotional experience of reluctance because this is not who I am and therefore I do not accept and allow to be controlled by this emotion of being reluctant.
I realize that I am reluctant when a “good” feeling is replaced by a “bad” feeling – something that I like to do is replaced by something that I hate to do and therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of my mind by dividing and seeing things as good and bad instead of realizing that this is just another creation of my mind and there is no such things as good and bad – they are as they are and nothing more or less than that.
When the thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?” comes up which triggers reluctance within myself, I stop and breathe – I do not accept and allow myself to participate in emotional experience of reluctance because this is not who I am – instead I will forgive the thought and I will stand up and do what needs to be done in the moment.

Words:
Procrastination-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word procrastination with negative value.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word procrastination as “negative”, “bad” in my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word procrastination through judging the word procrastination as “bad” and “negative”.

A memory when I had to study for exam and I start to study the very last moment:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a memory when I waited to study for the very last moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a memory when I waited to study for the very last moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from the memory when I waited to study for the very last moment through defining word “procrastination” within a memory when I waited to study for the very last moment in separation of myself.
A feeling of anxiety:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a feeling of anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a feeling of anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from the feeling of anxiety through defining word “procrastination” within a feeling of anxiety in separation of myself.
Clock:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a picture of a clock.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a picture of a clock.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from the picture of a clock through defining word “procrastination” within a picture of a clock in separation of myself.
A picture of my grandmother asking me something:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a picture of my grandmother asking me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a picture of my grandmother asking me something.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from the picture of my grandmother asking me something through defining the word “procrastination” within a picture of my grandmother asking me something in separation of myself.
A feeling of paranoia:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a feeling of paranoia.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a feeling of paranoia.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from the feeling of paranoia through defining the word “procrastination” within a feeling of paranoia in separation of myself.
Knocking on the door:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to knocking on the door.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within knocking on the door.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from knocking on the door through defining the word “procrastination” within knocking on the door in separation of myself.
A picture of a man who is in a hurry:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a picture of a man who is in a hurry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a picture of a man who is in a hurry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from a picture of a man who is in a hurry through defining the word “procrastination” within a picture of a man who is in a hurry in separation of myself.
Time limit:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word “procrastination” to a time limit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word “procrastination” within a time limit.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word “procrastination” and from time limit through defining the word “procrastination” within a time limit.

Re-defining the word procrastination:

Dictionary definition:
•    to defer action; delay
•    to put off till another day or time

Sounding the word:
Pre – cross – time – rate
Meaning: PRE (before, prior to), CROSS (angry and annoyed), TIME-RATE (being limited with time); Before I get angry and annoyed because am limiting myself with time and I live in the past and not in the moment – by postponing things, procrastinating.

Pro – cast – destination
Meaning: PRO (an argument for something), CAST (to throw away), DESTINATION; To decide that I am going to live in the past by postponing things and not doing them in the moment as I am required or asked to.

New definition:
I procrastinate when I have to do something that I don’t like to do. I wait for a very last moment to complete the task not realizing that by doing that I live in the past and I don’t direct myself in the moment.  When someone asks me something to help him with or when something is required to be done in a moment I often become angry and irritated and this is an indicator for me to see that I have accepted and allowed procrastination and laziness. I also seek for justifications and excuses for not doing it in the moment – so this is also a flag for me to see what I have accepted and allowed. When this “red flags” occur I know that I participate in procrastination and laziness and therefore I stop and push myself through resistances and do what needs to be done in the moment.

Procrastinate – Not wanting to do something in the moment, not being self-directed, self-willed and self-responsible in every moment of every breath.

Pictures:
The picture represents me lying in my bed in the morning and I do not want to wake up – I want to lay a little bit longer even though I know I am wasting my time by lying around. In this picture I just don’t feel like doing anything – I am lazy and I feel miserable because I have to do things that I didn’t do in the moment – I postponed them. Besides my bed is a bedside table and alarm clock on that table.

Self forgiveness on picture:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of me lying in my bed and not wanting to get up in the morning - to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect laziness and procrastination with a picture in my mind of me not willing and wanting to get up in the morning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define laziness and procrastination within a picture in my mind of me not wanting and willing to get up in the morning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to postpone things that have already been postponed even more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from procrastination and laziness through defining it in separation of myself within a picture of me not wanting and willing to get up in the morning.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a picture of me not wanting and willing to get up in the morning to a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?”.

Self corrective statements:
I realize that a picture of me not willing and wanting to get up in the morning is reflecting my everyday life, where I am just postponing and delaying things that I require to do and I am postponing them for the very last moment and because I have to then hurry to complete those things I am miserable because everything is building up and I ran out of time.
I do not accept and allow postponing things anymore because I realize that this is an act of laziness and therefore I do not accept and allow participating in experience of laziness.
Whenever a thought “Can’t it wait for a couple of minutes?” comes up, which triggers a picture of me lying in my bed and not wanting to get up in the morning, I immediately stop and forgive that thought – I do not accept and allow procrastination and laziness to direct me – instead I direct myself, I live in the moment and not in the past.