Fear of writing

I am still struggling with writing self forgiveness every day. I always find an excuse for doing something else instead of writing even though I know that I have a lot to write about. So yesterday I write self forgiveness on that point and I found out that I refuse to write because I don’t want to let go of the systems and I am just “happy with the way I am” kind of thing. Also the fear of losing my personalities and the fear of losing “myself” as a system came up. Oh, and probably the fear of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed. I will have to push through these points a lot and force myself to write every day until this becomes a routine for me and not something to avoid. 

I also had dreams today about that point. I have my room in the attic and the pillars are pretty bad so in my dreams they were in bad condition because of termites (as the professional told me). But he was wrong. As I was sleeping a beautiful mices started to fall down on to my bed from the roof. They didn’t have regular tales; they more looked like hamsters. And their hair was so soft and puffy. So I started to chase those animals because I wanted to give them food and a nice warm place to stay in. I collected them in the basket and they keep running away. So this repeated again and again – I caught them and some of them went away and again I caught them and so on and on…

And in the morning I was wondering what is the meaning of my dreams and with a little help from Vitan (he always sees things in symbols) we figure out that those animals are systems which I am still hanging on and not wanting to let them go completely.