Self-correction is the key

It is not hard to write what you have accepted and allowed, what you have realized or what you will correct within yourself in physical. I realized that you can write self forgiveness in every moment, every day for everything that happens but if you are not willing to change, if you are not willing to correct and also determined to achieve actual change and be persistent about what you are doing; self-forgiveness is worth nothing. It is powerful tool for everybody who uses it, with writing you can get to the core of the point you are working on and you can realize a lot but if you don't live the words, you are lost. At Desteni there are three basic tools which help you through, to break down everything that you have accepted and allowed in your life, from desires, emotions and feelings to personalities, relationship fuckups and even physical problems. Those tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective action. If you only apply two out of three, you didn't do anything. It is like if you want to bake bread and you have all the ingredients that you need, you mix them together but then you don't put the dough into the oven. You can't eat it raw even though you did everything except bake it – the most important part. With self-forgiveness it is the same. You can write but if you don't correct yourself in action, you can't change. And this is the hard part because you have to have a lot of strength, self-control, self-direction, self-will to do this. And the key to success is also to be self-honest. I saw many times, when applying self-correction in action that I still have reactions. Important here is not to give up and to not blame yourself. We are in this together, as a group we are strong and even though you fall, don't lay on the ground, stand up again and the group of Destonians will always give you support that you need so you can pick yourself up from the ground. We are all here to support each other, important thing is to accept this support and move on, step by step, breath by breath. Every moment of your breath, until it is done and a new life is born.

Calling people on the phone

For my diploma I had to call some »important« people who are in charge for logistics in the company. These companies are giants for Slovenians market, so it is hard to reach them and contact them. I had to call over 10 companies, because this is the first step of my practical part of my diploma. When my mentor told me that my assignment is based on calling people and introducing them the project we are working on and ask them if they are prepared to cooperate and give their professional opinion on the project, I became pale. The biggest fear since my childhood has been talking to people, approaching to them, ask them for help or calling somebody on the phone who I don’t know. I always asked my grandmother or my sister to do this kind of things instead of me. My mother knew about my fear so when I asked her if she would call instead of me, she said “no, you will call and arrange what you need”, so she was pushing me through my fear. A lot of the times I tried and asked someone else to call instead of me just because I didn’t want to face with my fear. I would rather leave things alone and not deal with them, for example: if a company sent me a bill they would charge me more than they should, I would just pay more so I don’t need to call them and tell them for the mistake. Some time ago, I started to push myself and do things like that on my own, even though a lot of the times my grandmother offered her to call instead of me. But still I pushed myself and said to her that I will call because this is something that I need to clear and when she is not going to be around I would be forced to deal with it by myself anyways.
My concern mostly was that I will forget what I would like to say and just have empty head. So before I called somewhere, I wrote everything that I meant to say on the paper. My hands were always shaking and my heart was beating like crazy when I picked up the phone and dial the number. Then when somebody answered the phone, my voice was all shaky and different and I spoke very fast. I never tried to correct this by breathing or by writing self forgiveness on this point because back then I didn’t know about this.
So now, when I had to call all the companies I was also scared. I was mostly afraid of rejection and if someone will ask me something that I don’t have an answer to it. I again wrote everything down on a paper and read it through for a few times. I picked up the phone and called first company. The fear was the same as it was in the past, I talked the same, I didn’t slow down and take a moment for myself. I rushed into it. But I was aware of what I was doing. When the first conversation was over, I went back to the start; I tried to remember my feelings and emotions during the call, how I experienced myself in that moment. Then I just took a breath, I didn’t think what I am going to say to the next person, I just start talking. And it was much better. The conversation was more relaxed. Every call I made next, it was easier for me, and my fear was getting smaller and smaller every time. I became more confident in what I was saying and people noticed that on the other side of the phone – the results were much better, everyone agreed to help.
 Now, when something similar comes up, that I need to deal with, I just do it and don’t over think, because if I do, all these questions and doubts come up and really all that my mind is trying to do is to limit me. I will not limit myself anymore.

There is no end...

I finally started writing my diploma. It took me almost one year and a half to get to my mentor and ask him for a theme about what I should write. Some time ago I decided to already do that but because I didn’t have a proper theme, professor turned me down and I lost my drive to write it back then. So, a week ago I decided that I have to do this because this “haunts” me again and again somewhere in the back of my head. Vitan asked me if this is really necessary in this moment since I have a lot of things to deal with (going to work every day, doing Desteni I Process and also starting to build my business), if I have time to write it besides all of this and if other things won’t suffer on the way. This is certainly going to be time consuming but I need to complete my schooling, because I feel like I need a closure.
When I am starting to do something I always want to finish it, so it has some ending and the same is here. I have to be at the end so I can say this is it, this is done and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Because as I already said I need to see the end so I can move on and then worry about another thing which has not ended yet. The same thing is happening in my process. I believe that there will be an end and when this happens, everything will be different. But it is not like that. There is no end, which is why it is called process. It won’t be like “ok, now I’ve gone through all the things and now it is over”. It won’t be over until everybody is done. Just like in every day’s life. When you complete something, you get it done but every time something new comes up on your way, and you need to take care of it and so on…

Unable to breathe

I have been depressed for a few days now, mostly because of my thoughts that keep popping up about relationship things – which are based on energy. I have been dealing with this thoughts by applying self forgiveness and researching the origin of the thoughts –why do I have them, what drives me to think that, when did I experienced this in the past, memories...but more I write, more depressive I am and these thoughts have more power over me, they are stronger, more frequent and more common throughout my day. I am starting to doubt in my application because I don't know what is happening. I don't know how to stop the thoughts and when I want to breathe, I just can't. It is like my lungs are not capable of doing the whole breath – it is almost like when you need to yawn and you can't and then you have this feeling inside you, like you are not completed, like something is missing. 

I know that by just doing self forgiveness and then not living the actual realization and corrective application, this won’t go away. But I don’t know how to release that. I still need to do a lot of writing but still…this inability to breathe normal is insane, it drives me crazy – I feel anxious because my lungs can’t expand. Now I know, how precious one breath can be, how cool it is when I can breathe. Better to get this over with, so I can breathe again.