A huuuuge mindfuck came up or should I say a whole army of mindfucks came up today when something happened which I didn't like.
Vitan (my partner) decided a few days ago that he will stop coming here (where I live) for 21 days. So at that time I got a small reaction but it wasn't a big deal. I was ok with that. When he went home he said to me that we will see each other in one month and he also said that I am »not allowed« to call him on his phone. And he said this in a joke but I knew that he would prefer that which he said. So I said to him »are you serious about that? c'mon...« and he smiled and said »no, no, you can call me«. So that calm me down and I just passed the mindfuck that I had at that moment. But what really got to me was yesterday when I met with Blaž and we talked about something and he said to me that Vitan went to Ljubljana because he had a job interview and he also visited Hilda because she lives there and also that he went there very early (like 6 hours before interview) so that means that he will spend all that time with Hilda. WooooOW mindfucks came like with the speed of the light and I was really angry and sad – I had mix of emotions inside of me. So I felt like I am not good enough because I don't support him like Hilda does or like HE THINKS that she supports him (lol another mindfuck) and why do I need to keep a distance from him because I haven't done anything wrong so why is he like that even though I am not guilty of anything, why he punishes me like that, why Hilda CAN support him and I can't, why would he be with her for half of a day, why can't I know what is happening in his life and everybody else can, I am not special enough for him, I want to be special, what she has that I don't, I am not good enough,...So this mindfucks are relationship mindfucks and they are basically controlling me in every single moment. I wasn't aware of them before when everything was exactly how I wanted but now I have to face with them because I am alone in this and now is the chance that I fix this so I can stand alone, by myself.
I always had difficulties with that. I need someone to “hold me” when I don’t feel like standing and this is really…when I look at it right now, it is really selfish, manipulating and abusive. I have to take responsibility for things that I have accepted and allowed because nobody else is going to do that instead of me.
Huh, I feel much better now. :)