četrtek, 07. oktober 2010

Relationship mindfucks and standing alone

A huuuuge mindfuck came up or should I say a whole army of mindfucks came up today when something happened which I didn't like.
Vitan (my partner) decided a few days ago that he will stop coming here (where I live) for 21 days. So at that time I got a small reaction but it wasn't a big deal. I was ok with that. When he went home he said to me that we will see each other in one month and he also said that I am »not allowed« to call him on his phone. And he said this in a joke but I knew that he would prefer that which he said. So I said to him »are you serious about that? c'mon...« and he smiled and said »no, no, you can call me«. So that calm me down and I just passed the mindfuck that I had at that moment. But what really got to me was yesterday when I met with Blaž and we talked about something and he said to me that Vitan went to Ljubljana because he had a job interview and he also visited Hilda because she lives there and also that he went there very early (like 6 hours before interview) so that means that he will spend all that time with Hilda. WooooOW mindfucks came like with the speed of the light and I was really angry and sad – I had mix of emotions inside of me. So I felt like I am not good enough because I don't support him like Hilda does or like HE THINKS that she supports him (lol another mindfuck) and why do I need to keep a distance from him because I haven't done anything wrong so why is he like that even though I am not guilty of anything, why he punishes me like that, why Hilda CAN support him and I can't, why would he be with her for half of a day, why can't I know what is happening in his life and everybody else can, I am not special enough for him, I want to be special, what she has that I don't, I am not good enough,...So this mindfucks are relationship mindfucks and they are basically controlling me in every single moment. I wasn't aware of them before when everything was exactly how I wanted but now I have to face with them because I am alone in this and now is the chance that I fix this so I can stand alone, by myself.
I always had difficulties with that. I need someone to “hold me” when I don’t feel like standing and this is really…when I look at it right now, it is really selfish, manipulating and abusive. I have to take responsibility for things that I have accepted and allowed because nobody else is going to do that instead of me.
Huh, I feel much better now. :)

2 komentarja:

  1. Very cool Ajda that you are writing about your experiences. It is important to be able to stand up by yourself and not to be dependent from the constant attention of others. The agreement is about 1 + 1 = 2, so each of you have to be whole and stable in order to walk and support each other as one and equal. Enjoy the process!

  2. Awesome Ajda, lol, I really relates to feeling better after one have written it all out.