torek, 19. oktober 2010

Just shut your mouth!

Today, I had this flash back of one memory when I talked to Blaž about writing down all my memories so I can release my energy, feelings and emotions related to those memories.
It happened one day when I was sitting on my bed and watching TV with my sister’s boyfriend.  She had to go somewhere so she left us alone for some time. We sat there and watched a TV series called Step by Step. It was all ok when suddenly he tried to push me down on the bed (but not aggressive) so I would lie down. I was in the shock at that moment as I couldn’t believe that he is trying to do that. So I said to him “Tadej, it is me, Ajda. I’m not the right one”. (Oh, and I was about 13 or 14 years old and he is 4 years older than me.) So he said to me “It is nothing, just relax.” And I became afraid that he will do something to me (I thought that he is going to try and rape me). So I pushed him away and said to him “what is wrong with you, you mistook me for my sister” and he tried and he was repeating the words that nothing is wrong, everything will be fine, just relax. So I started to feel extensive fear inside of me and all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind for example what am I going to do if he starts to be aggressive or how can I run away from him or I wish that my sister will be back soon…So at that time I was just hoping that someone will came in the room as I was too afraid to go out and away from him. At last my mother “saved” me because she came up into my room and asked me something (I remember now that I couldn’t talk normally because I was in shock) but she went pretty quickly so I couldn’t go out because if I would go out of my room then I thought that it would be suspicious and my mother would ask me some questions about that and I was also afraid to tell her what happened. So I stayed in my room with Tadej and he didn’t say anything further, he actually laughed while watching TV series and pretended that nothing happened. I felt disgust within me and shame and all kinds of feelings also I was really afraid because now I didn’t know what to do (should I tell this to someone or should I shut my mouth and forget that this ever happened).
Next day I felt like crap and I had to go to school so my friend saw that something isn’t right so I told her what happened. She advised me that I have to tell this to my sister because she is the only one who can do something about that (she meant by that leaving him). So when I came home I told her what he was trying to do (I cried while telling her because I was really scared) and I could tell that she was angry (I still don’t know if she was angry at me or at him or at both of us). So she was also in shock and she told me that she will confront him. And she did. He told her totally different story – he said that I imagined that in my thoughts and nothing that I said to her was real, because I am in loved with him and I was fantasizing about that so I now don’t know what I am talking about and I don’t recognize the difference between real and not real. Blinded as she was she believed him and I felt betrayed. I cried a lot because I was disappointed to know that my sister doesn’t trust me and believe me and that she also thinks that I am going crazy. And she even manipulated me so I started to think that this might be true – so I just imagined all that stuff. So I didn’t know what was true anymore at that point. It cleared my mind when he tried to confront me when I was at school and my sister didn’t know that he came there. I was soooo afraid that he will hurt me and beat me up so I would shut my mouth and not say anything to anybody. I was hiding at my school and I was waiting for him to go away because he couldn’t go inside and he waited me outside in front of my school. He was there for half an hour (I was hiding in bathroom and in the halls) and then he went. I still don’t know what he was his attention (if he was trying to just talk about the whole situation or if he was trying to manipulate me through my fear and his power). So my sister forgot about that and also did he (I think) and they are still together now. I still remember sometimes about what was going on and I still have that fear inside of me when I see him (but not extensive fear just a little stomach movement). 
I noticed that while writing all that fear came up again and as I wrote all down the fear disappeared. Now I have to watch myself what will happen inside of me when I see him again next time.

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