Cigarettes

A few days ago I was going to work and outside of the building was a woman who was smoking a cigarette. In that very moment I had really strong desire to smoke one too.

Cigarettes were a part of my life from my childhood basically. My father is a smoker and when I was about 12 years old I tried to smoke cigarettes. I bought a box of cigarettes and it was easy to get because in that store they knew that I was buying cigarettes for my father. One day after school me and two of my friends went to a place where nobody could see us and we tried smoking. It was funny experience because no one knew how to smoke and no one liked it either. So we put smoking on a side until I came into high school where I started to smoke regularly on every day basis. Me and my schoolmate met before class started and every day we had a cup of coffee and a whole bunch of cigarettes. This became a habit since it was going on for four years. But I still didn’t perceive myself as a smoker since I smoked only when I was in school or out. I never smoked at home – there was only one time when I smoked in my room and I opened balcony door so my mom wouldn’t smell cigarette smoke. I didn’t even bother with that because our house already smelled of smoke. I was afraid that my mother will catch me smoking so I never told her about that. That day I put cigarette butt on the balcony shelf and my mother found it (and she never goes into my room, but that day she miraculously went…). She was very angry at me and she asked me if I smoke but instead of telling her the truth I lied and said to her that I only wanted to try how it feels like. When I got to faculty I stopped smoking for 2 years and I was fine with that. I didn’t have desire to smoke and quitting wasn’t hard at all. I just decided one day that I will stop smoking and I did.

I never smoked because of pleasure. In fact I didn’t like the feeling when smoking. So why did I smoke? Well…I have noticed that I occupied myself with cigarette mostly when I had company because I didn’t want to “draw attention”. When someone asked me something I had cigarette to hold on and play with it just to be more relaxed – I was drawing attention to a cigarette and I felt more confident mostly around people who I just met.

After two years I again started to smoke because I was getting into a whole new society – people I didn’t know and as I said before, cigarette was like a shield to me. And again after 6 months or so, I quitted.

I have this funny feeling for a few days now – when I see someone smoking, or when I just see cigarette itself, I have desire to light one up.  

Being high is a waste of time

I am dealing with the point of drugs right now since I have noticed that I react every time when someone mentions drugs – especially weed.

I become very stiff and I crawl into my shell completely. I don’t want to talk about anything when this happens. I feel really anxious and uncomfortable. I have tried smoking week a couple of times and I didn’t like the effect of it, because I couldn’t control my body like I wanted and also I went completely in my mind, just thinking about “good” things, wondering about how it would be if this and that happens. I have noticed that I immediately switch into judgmental state of mind when I hear that someone is smoking weed or is taking some other substances that are illegal.

I was like that since I can remember, because everybody around me talked about drugs like they are really bad and were just scaring me what can all happen if I take them and so on. So, basically they influenced on my way of thinking about drugs and believing things that are not necessarily true. I am scared of drugs – just hearing about them is making me scared. And this fear comes from the point that I am afraid of not being in control – afraid to lose myself, lose my direction.

I want to feel my body, control my body like I want and I want to be here in physical reality, not in my mind, because being high is taking me away all this things. When being high, I can’t move my body the way I want because I am like jelly, I can’t concentrate and I just speak bullshit – things that don’t make sense at all. So, when drugs are present in any way what so ever (just in conversation or when someone is taking them) I react, because I am afraid to lose myself, not having complete control.

I also realized that I judge people who smoke weed and this judgment comes also from my childhood because I was growing up with an alcoholic in our house and most of that time I experienced fear because I knew that this person who was drinking wasn’t himself when being drunk. He was completely different person (sometimes really happy and opened for a conversation, and sometimes enraged like if you would release a hungry lion out of the cage). I saw different personalities all the time when he was drunk and I couldn’t stand that. And when I draw a line here and compare those two situations together (being drunk and high), they are almost the same - I can see the change in person, because the behavior is not the same. Because of that, I am almost certain that this fear and judgment has to do with the pas experiences from my childhood.

I am going to look more into detail on this point by writing self forgiveness and I will deal with every single memory and experience, emotion and feeling to get to the bottom of this, step by step, really focusing on every single detail.

Better for me to get started! :)