Self-correction is the key

It is not hard to write what you have accepted and allowed, what you have realized or what you will correct within yourself in physical. I realized that you can write self forgiveness in every moment, every day for everything that happens but if you are not willing to change, if you are not willing to correct and also determined to achieve actual change and be persistent about what you are doing; self-forgiveness is worth nothing. It is powerful tool for everybody who uses it, with writing you can get to the core of the point you are working on and you can realize a lot but if you don't live the words, you are lost. At Desteni there are three basic tools which help you through, to break down everything that you have accepted and allowed in your life, from desires, emotions and feelings to personalities, relationship fuckups and even physical problems. Those tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective action. If you only apply two out of three, you didn't do anything. It is like if you want to bake bread and you have all the ingredients that you need, you mix them together but then you don't put the dough into the oven. You can't eat it raw even though you did everything except bake it – the most important part. With self-forgiveness it is the same. You can write but if you don't correct yourself in action, you can't change. And this is the hard part because you have to have a lot of strength, self-control, self-direction, self-will to do this. And the key to success is also to be self-honest. I saw many times, when applying self-correction in action that I still have reactions. Important here is not to give up and to not blame yourself. We are in this together, as a group we are strong and even though you fall, don't lay on the ground, stand up again and the group of Destonians will always give you support that you need so you can pick yourself up from the ground. We are all here to support each other, important thing is to accept this support and move on, step by step, breath by breath. Every moment of your breath, until it is done and a new life is born.

Being high is a waste of time

I am dealing with the point of drugs right now since I have noticed that I react every time when someone mentions drugs – especially weed.

I become very stiff and I crawl into my shell completely. I don’t want to talk about anything when this happens. I feel really anxious and uncomfortable. I have tried smoking week a couple of times and I didn’t like the effect of it, because I couldn’t control my body like I wanted and also I went completely in my mind, just thinking about “good” things, wondering about how it would be if this and that happens. I have noticed that I immediately switch into judgmental state of mind when I hear that someone is smoking weed or is taking some other substances that are illegal.

I was like that since I can remember, because everybody around me talked about drugs like they are really bad and were just scaring me what can all happen if I take them and so on. So, basically they influenced on my way of thinking about drugs and believing things that are not necessarily true. I am scared of drugs – just hearing about them is making me scared. And this fear comes from the point that I am afraid of not being in control – afraid to lose myself, lose my direction.

I want to feel my body, control my body like I want and I want to be here in physical reality, not in my mind, because being high is taking me away all this things. When being high, I can’t move my body the way I want because I am like jelly, I can’t concentrate and I just speak bullshit – things that don’t make sense at all. So, when drugs are present in any way what so ever (just in conversation or when someone is taking them) I react, because I am afraid to lose myself, not having complete control.

I also realized that I judge people who smoke weed and this judgment comes also from my childhood because I was growing up with an alcoholic in our house and most of that time I experienced fear because I knew that this person who was drinking wasn’t himself when being drunk. He was completely different person (sometimes really happy and opened for a conversation, and sometimes enraged like if you would release a hungry lion out of the cage). I saw different personalities all the time when he was drunk and I couldn’t stand that. And when I draw a line here and compare those two situations together (being drunk and high), they are almost the same - I can see the change in person, because the behavior is not the same. Because of that, I am almost certain that this fear and judgment has to do with the pas experiences from my childhood.

I am going to look more into detail on this point by writing self forgiveness and I will deal with every single memory and experience, emotion and feeling to get to the bottom of this, step by step, really focusing on every single detail.

Better for me to get started! :)