Makeup - the false image

Make up is one thing that I was using from really early years of my life. It all started in grammar school; I was about 12 years old when I started to have a desire for wearing makeup. I secretly put it on before going to school so my mother won’t notice because she wouldn’t let me to wear it. When I came home from school I washed my face because I was scared that she would see me that I hide something from her. But this desire came to me because a few girls in my class wore makeup and I felt that I need to wear it too because I was trying to fit into group of “popular girls”. I started to feel more confident when I was all made-up and I started to use makeup every day. It got to that point that I wouldn’t go out with a dog without wearing makeup because I was afraid that someone would see me how I look without it.

I haven’t been wearing makeup for almost a year now, except for a few days in this period of time. I remember one day when superiors from Italy came to work, I was all dolled-up because I was afraid that they won’t like me the way I am without makeup, that I am not tidy enough but that was just me thinking that way and judging myself because I still wasn’t comfortable with my true image, without false presentation of who I am. Makeup does that – it creates a false image of person, mask behind which we hide ourselves from the truth. And also we deceive others by wearing it. I act like a completely different person when I wore makeup. I was more loud, wanting to have attention, I was more relaxed, confident but when I was “caught” without it, I was shy, reserved, more quiet, I didn’t dare to look person who I was talking to into his/hers eyes.

I was watching a video from Destonian girls where they were talking about this topic. There are really cool points in their discussion where I can see myself in there completely. Here’s the video:

Allergy and irritation

I have a really bad cold mixed with wisdom tooth pain (from growing) and allergy to pollen. So - everything combined – not cool.

I became allergic to pollen a few years ago in high school. At first, I didn’t know that this is allergy; I just thought that I have a cold, because my nose was all blocked up and I sneezed a lot. But the next year at that time of the year it happened again, because I have noticed that it got worse when I am out, close to grass. So, I started to take medicine to ease the symptoms. But one year it got worse – to the point when I couldn’t breathe normally. My chest was wheezing, my nostrils were blocked up completely, my eyes were red from irritation and my throat was hurting like I was having angina. This year is again “the bad year” – this depends on the concentration of the pollen in the air. 

Every year when this allergy starts, my right down wisdom tooth starts to grow at the same time, so I have to deal with some pain and unpleasantness because of this. This year (this is now the third year) it was super fun, because I caught a cold also. So my right side of my face was little swallowed and I also had headaches, so I haven’t got a good sleep for a week now. It is getting better now, but this was a reminder that I have to work on something. Maybe this allergy has a connection with “irritation” towards my family, because I am very annoyed by them when someone asks me something. I change my behavior in front of them, I become nervous and rude for no reason. And I just can’t control my reaction – but I know I didn’t try hard enough. This wisdom tooth…I can’t connect it to anything at the moment.

Because of the cold, my senses for smell and taste got weak and I have noticed that I don’t have appetite, since I don’t taste or smell anything when eating food. This is pretty cool because now I eat when I am hungry and I don’t care what is on the menu because it isn’t matter – I don’t taste it anyway. I just realized that more than half of the food I eat is because it tastes or smells good (and I am talking about food that my body doesn’t need, for example chocolate, mayonnaise, ketchup, chips, juice, cookies, snacks…etc) and I usually overeat. Sometimes when something “good” is for lunch, I would eat until my stomach hurts even though I could throw up the next second. And this is really unacceptable because when writing this I see that I don’t appreciate the food or my body, I act egoistic because all I do is to please myself (my mind) when doing this, to get this satisfaction within myself.

I do not accept and allow doing this anymore.